Before I catch "The Dumb," and my mom's been worried about "The Gay" this whole time. Jesus doesn't get my e-mails, and I can prove it. I was driving along yesterday, fumbling for a CD when the radio piqued my interest. Now, the ONDCP has made some pretty huge cognitive leaps in the past, and I'm no longer shocked by it. I'm not a crusader for the legalization of "The Pot." It's just not my number one cause, and I don't see that changing. However, if someone else wants to do all the legwork and get it on the ballot, I salute you. I'm a doowhuttchyalike-Digital-Underground-style kinda gal. That's just how mama rolls.

With that caveat, it follows that I was amused but not shocked when I saw the ads implying that pot gets you pregnant, makes you shoot your friends and run down small children -- this is straight out of Reefer Madness by the way -- all while you single-handedly make the terrorists win. Wearing hypocrisy like a badge of honor*** if it means keeping your kids from giggling and eating all the cheetos, though, that's where I have to draw the line. I'd sooner believe that my brain was an Extra-strength Tylenol-laden ovule that came out of a chicken's ass, than believe that hypocrisy is admirable in any way shape or form. I am one with the metaphor, but my brain is not an egg. It is a highly convoluted network of neural pathways, unicorns and road-side phobia stands, so there. This new ad even takes a shot at vegetarians for no apparent reason. The first rule of good writing is "Know thine audience." They've got that covered, I'll admit. Big, grunting because-ah-said-so-and-ahm-the-boss-and-ah-don't-have-to-justify-nothin'-cause-this-is-Amurrka-goddamnit morons are going to buy that for a dollar all day long.

Now, I'm not one to rant without offering a solution, so here goes. If Kerrey loses the election, sell your belongings, cut your losses and RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! Run for Canada if they'll have you. Bring back bacon and be humble.


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