Once upon a time, in a swirling vortex of abject misery caused by the forces of globalization and advanced capitalism on an unsuspecting and uneducated society, there was a teeny tiny girl. And yes, she had seen her behind, so you don't need to look too far into the teeny tiny thing. If you want to make something of it, she's more than happy to humiliate you in a leg wrastlin' match.

One day, the teeny girl was sitting in a green plastic chair in front of a laundrymat, eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-wheats and reading The Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway -- The Finca Vigia Edition, when a mean little boy approached her and said "Listen up, you undapants! You better drink the milk at the bottom of your bowl or you're a bad person!"

The teeny girl began to cry because she thought that milk that had risen above its refrigerated temperature and mingled with cereal particles may as well be chum. She tried to stifle her tears, but in stifling, her little cries sounded like chirping, and the mean little boy laughed like this: "Hahahahahahaha. Undapants. Hahahaha."

Just then, a beautiful little cowboy happened upon the quarrel and said "I thought I heard a birdy."

The mean little boy said "That's dag, yo. I'm out." And he ran away as fast as his legs could carry him. Savage little brat.

Then, the cowboy said to the teeny girl "Why are you crying, little bird?" And the teeny girl told him how she was a bad person for not drinking chum milk at the bottoms of cereal bowls. The cowboy said "Don't cry. Cereal milk is nassy. I don't like cowboy sandwiches because they involve eggs and ketchup -- two things that should never touch outside of a well-cooked meatloaf -- so I stick them to the back of my refrigerator when my mommy's not looking."

And the teeny girl smiled and her sad little chirps turned to happy tweets. "Really?" she said. "Really" said the cowboy. Then, the cowboy and the teeny tiny girl ran away to Spain, from whence they ruled the world. They lived happily ever after in a pink castle, and they never ate cowboy sandwiches again.