Step one: when you're doing a survey in a fit of boredom, change the title from "Survey" to something catching like "Big Ole Long Survey." This is more descriptive and also chicks will dig it.

Step two: be HILARIOUS.

1. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?

No and I can't imagine why since it was after a 7th grade dance, and I was wearing a flowy acid washed jean skirt and a plaid shirt knotted at the waist with a tank top under it. And don't forget: I had a permed mullet.

2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?

Build a robot factory. Dumbass.

3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?

Carly Simon, Madonna, The Beatles. I had Whitney Houston's self-titled first album on vinyl. I used to play it on my suitcase record player and rollerskate around the basement while singing "The Greatest Love of All" to my kitten, who I had named Celeste.

4. What is the best thing about your job?

The only good thing about being a substitute teacher is that I get paid in U.S. dollars. Euros would be a pain in the a-s-s.

5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was required in class?

I don't know where YOU go to school, but it's a school for stupid idiots if they let you use cell phones. You should probably kill yourself.

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?

Puerto Rico or maybe Columbiaville.

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

I only befriend newborn babies because they can't do ANYTHING and it makes me feel really good about myself.

11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?

I don't own furniture. No, seriously.

12. Do you have a crush on sombody?

I have a crush on every boy. You're not special.

13. If you could be an animal what would you be?

Dinosaur. These questions are EASY.

14. What state/country are you from?

I'm from the state country Michigan U.S.A. Go Americaland.

15. Tell us about the last conversation/s you had.

It was me and other people talking about stuff. Mostly your mom.

16. Where do you see yourself in one month?

In shiny reflective objects.

17. What is your favorite smell?

Brand new newborn babies. For real. Their heads smell amazing.

18. What is your favorite sight?

Eye.

19. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?

No because there's no hyphen.

20. Have you ever contemplated suicide?

Have you ever contemplated not being such a buttmuncher?

21. Have you ever done anything vindictive towards your coworkers?

Nope.

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?

Psh ... duh.

23. Have you ever Played Spin the bottle?

Yep.

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?

I've liked someone and told them I hated them. Repeatedly.

26. Have you ever gone camping?

I love camping for real.

27. Have you ever had a crush on your brother's friend?

Phillistines.

28. Have you ever been to a nude beach?

Negative.

29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?

Coitus or the drink? Doesn't matter. No.

30. Have you ever had a stalker?

I've had people refuse to accept that we broke up.

32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

Yes. At myself. Have you been paying attention to how FUNNY I am.

33. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person?

Negatron.

34. Have you ever been cheated on?

Probably.

35. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?

When she became a prison guard. Unacceptable participation in the prison industrial complex. Loser.

36. Have you ever lied to your parents?

I don't know if I've ever told the truth to my parents. It's for their own good.

37. Have you ever been out of the US?

To Canada, but I thought it was part of the United States at that time.

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?

No way Jose.

39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?

Remember how I had a permed mullet? I also shaved my head once, but only wore a head wrap because it was winter.

40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?

No dude.

41. Have you ever gotten so wasted you cant remember the nite before?

Doy. Hey you know what else? I don't need to be wasted to punch someone in the face for spelling "night" n-i-t-e.

42. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?

No. Not really.

43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?

Yeah. I was TIRED.

44. First best friends:

I used to pretend Carly Simon and James Taylor were my parents and best friends.

45. First school:

Otter Lake Elementary: where Falcons get their wings. Go Falcons. Woo.

46. First concert:

NKOTB. The Hangin' Tough tour. I said it.

47. First screen name:

Um ... Jodi.

48. First funeral:

Great Grandma Hilda when I was in first grade. I remember being constipated at the funeral home, but I was afraid to tell my mom until we got home, and she felt really bad but she didn't give me an enema and I was glad.

49. First piercing/tattoo:

About 13 years ago I got a butterfly under my belly button, and then I had two kids and it looked like 1) Mothra from Godzilla and subsequently 2) a shrinky dink.

50. First big trip:

I went to Missouri with my family when I was a wee 15-month-old.

51. First physical fight:

I'm sure it was with my brothers.

52. First job:

Lifeguard.

53. First love/crush:

Michael Jackson. I was 8. Dang it. I missed my window of opportunity.

54. First MySpace friend:

Tom. Dummy.

55. First gf/bf:

My first gf was a fellow lifeguard and my first bf was Dean Shafer in third grade. I can't believe I just said gf and bf.

56. Last person you hugged:

Gracie.

57. Last song you heard:

Jack Johnson -- Talk of the Town. Shut up.

58. Last car ride:

Home from work.

59. Last time you cried:

When I had to leave law school.

60. Last movie you watched:

Good Night and Good Luck. I thought it was terrible, horrible, and also very bad.

61. Last food you ate:

Pancakes. YES! I rock.

62. Last item bought:

Prescription.

63. Last shirt worn:

CUNY Law School t-shirt.

64. Last phone call:

I don't remember.

65. Last time at the mall:

I went Christmas shopping at the mall with my dad a few weeks ago. Then we got DER-UNK and played pool.

66. Last drink:

H2Oxygen.

67. Last trip:

Home from New York. That makes me feel SAD.

68. Last show watched:

The news is a show.

69. Last thing you failed:

Breathlyzer.

70. Last thing you typed:

Breathlyzer.

Bests

1. Non existant? What ... the fuck ... are you talking about? Also unicorns I guess.
2. Female friend: Amanda Allen.
3. Vacation: Maine.
4. Age: 22.
5. Memory: Great grandparents' farm.

Worsts

1. Time of day: 6:00 a.m.
2. Day of the week: Monday is a bastard.
3. squid, snail, ham: You're funny. Your questions are funny.
4. Memory: My last broken heart. Aww.
5. Boyfriend or girlfriend: They were all pretty okay. It just wasn't meant to be. Just kidding. Most of them were total douchebags.

Last

1. Person you saw: My mom.
2. Person you talked to on the phone: I don't remember.
3. Person you hugged: Grace. God.
4. Email/message: Jon sent me a personality test. Oh boy.
5: IM: Amanda B.

Today

1. What are you doing now: You're not funny anymore. You're just dumb.
2. Tonight: Dinner, book, sleeping in that order.
3. Wearing: now? Gray pants. Shirt with cherry blossoms on it.
5: Better than yesterday: Same.

Tomorrow

1. Sleeping till: I don't know.
2. Got any plans?: Uh ... no.
3. Goals: Uh ... no.
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: Uh ... no.
5. Do you have work: I don't know.

Favorite

1: Number: 5
2: Song: I like songs.
3. Color: Orange.
4. Season: Summer. Bigtime.

The end.

Once in a while I find myself in a rut where all of my interaction with other humans seems dull and ineffectual. I've been in one for a while now. At other times, every person, idea, conversation -- they're new pennies, the thrill of remembering something before you forgot, summer thunderstorms.

Perhaps my novel freakiness is losing its novel-ness. You don't have to tell me it's novel-ty. I OWN words, motherfucker. Maybe that's the problem. See there was no need for me to overreact just then. I haven't a thing to prove.

Maybe I have something to prove. I miss New York. I miss the physical. I miss the people. I miss most of all the new pennies and thrill of remembering and summer storms and law school and sketchy nights and the little Jamaican man downstairs and my shitty apartment and cockroaches that could FLY around inside my shitty apartment and sitting on the fire escape watching dice games on the street below my shitty apartment and my Uzbekistani psychiatrist -- she was cute -- and parking tickets and too much laundry for a fourth floor walkup and the subway and the half-Chinese half-roti place around the corner from my shitty apartment and being this impressive midwestern anamoly instead of a mixed up girl who fell apart (again) and now has to try really hard to hold her head above water.

Yes I have something to prove. It's that I'm not so wonderful but I'm good stuff and where is everyone? And why is it so hard to surround myself with people who make my synapses fire -- not sparkle I'm realistic -- but fire god damn it?

I should have qualified this entire diatribe by saying that my interactions with Scotty and Grace still do inspire me. How could they not? Scotty just walked in here humming, in nothing but a pair of Madagascar underpants, clutching a packet of fruit snacks with his left hand, holding up his marker-saturated right hand to say "Mawm ... this, like, won't come off ... f'real." That makes me happier than knowing the car keys are in the front zipper pocket on my purse.

Mom: They're putting a Lucky's Steakhouse in in Clio.
Jodi: Oh yeah? Where?
Mom: In front of the Wal-Mart.
Jodi: rolls eyes.
Mom: Well, this one's not bad. I was in there the other day and it's kind of nice.
Jodi: Mom, you know ... it's not because it's scummy. It's the slave labor that makes me not want to save fifteen cents on Tide.
Mom: I know. I know. Don't start.

Pause.

Mom: We do have to get the kids art supplies there. They have huge buckets of supplies. You know? The little foam shapes. Animals and everything. Mom stretches her fingers apart while saying this. You know? For emphasis.
Jodi: Well I didn't know that. Shapes make slave labor ok.