As long as rosy infants are born
No one believes it is happening now.
~~ Czeslaw Milosz


Everyone old enough to remember knows where they were when JFK was shot, or at least that notion has become part of our collective American mythos.

I am driving to work five years ago when the first plane hits the World Trade Center. I happen to be listening to NPR. I always happen to be listening to NPR, and Morning Edition is interrupted and Robert Siegel tells me that a plane has hit the World Trade Center. I think, hmmmm ... that's weird. Somebody flew a cessna into the lightning rod or something.

I am eight months pregnant, and the sun is shining and there are no clouds and the sky is blue blue blue. I am the first one in most mornings, but not today. Matt is already in the office sitting at his desk, door open, and I walk directly toward his open office door to reach my cubby every morning and every morning I stop and we talk. We talk about politics and religion and the company we work for and we talk about the other people in the office. We talk about everything my Grandpa Doc always said was an impolite topic of discussion, especially at the dinner table.

I say someone flew a plane into World Trade Center. I do not know what time it is, but I suggest that we go turn on the TV in the lunchroom to see what's going on. It seems like a novelty story to me at this point, and I could just as easily look online to see pictures of the tiny plane I imagine, but I don't. I say we should go to the lunchroom, and Matt and I go together because we are the first to arrive in the morning. We are always the first to arrive in the morning. We go together.

We flip on the TV to see the smoke billowing out and we realize that this isn't some 4-seater pilot who went on a bender because his wife left him. She wasn't upset about his carousing or wild spending on what she considers ridiculous hobbies like very deep sea diving -- at his age -- what is he thinking? Honestly. But that's not who is flying the plane, and that becomes obvious while we watch the smoke. It is obvious.

We stand there with glazed-over eyes hypothesizing about what kind of plane may have hit the tower. That's a lot of smoke. I am eight months pregnant. We are standing and watching and hypothesizing and the second plane hits, and we aren't sure what we have just seen, and we aren't sure what we have just seen for a long time, and I'm still not sure what I had just seen.

That's where I am. I am at work and the sun is shining and there are no clouds and the sky is blue blue blue and I am eight months pregnant and we are hypothesizing and we are not sure what we have just seen. The rest of the office begins filing in and makes their way to the lunchroom, and I don't remember what we are saying to each other. Probably more hypothesizing. Probably the programmers are calculating the odds of two planes hitting the same set of buildings randomly, but really no other explanation seems plausible. Air traffic control must've lost their motherfucking minds. That's what happened.

Someone did it on purpose and people are jumping out of windows and they are falling and the sky is blue blue blue here and the sky is black and thick and not like the sky at all there.

It's my grandpa's birthday.

People are jumping out of the windows on my grandpa's birthday and someone did it on purpose and they are falling and I am eight months pregnant and the sky is blue and the sky is black and it wasn't because of his drinking or his very deep sea diving. Someone did it on purpose. Air traffic control must've lost their motherfucking minds, but they didn't. They are jumping out of the windows and they are falling and they are dying.

After work, I drive to my grandparent's house for dinner. It is my grandpa's birthday. I am eight months pregnant and I say to my baby "don't come out. Never come out," and I am correct. I go to dinner and we are watching TV and they are jumping out of the windows and they are falling and they are dying, and I say to my baby "don't come out. Never come out," and I am correct. We have cake.